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The Bit Where I Get My Life Back

2nd April 2018

You know that bit in Legally Blonde where Elle essentially gets her shit together? And it’s set to some really inspirational song and then you finish watching the movie ready to tell your parents your away to Harvard to dump Warren and get your Law Degree? Well, I feel like I’ve been waiting for that montage to happen to me my whole life. The big ‘Elle Woods’ moment where everything falls into place and you become the person that you are definitely supposed to be.

Except I think that it’s becoming painfully obvious that that is definitely not how things actually work, and we can’t all sort our lives out within a 2-minutes and 30-second montage, with obnoxiously positive music in the background. As great as that would be, it’s probably not going to happen. And there isn’t enough bend and snap in the world to make it happen.

I’ve spent years of my life feeling like I’m just ‘getting by’ because the relationship I was in took every bit of energy and effort I had. I placed all my happiness and self-worth in this relationship and situation and no matter who you are or how strong you think you are as a person when you do that you always lose yourself eventually.

I got out of this really bad relationship at the end of last year, and probably only started to really get over it and move on the past month or so. Lemme tell ya, you would be amazed at how much time you have to just live your life after removing a toxic person from your life, and how much more time you have to play with when your attention isn’t focussed on a draining situation. It’s almost a bit overwhelming like there’s this whole big world out there just waiting to be had and your eyes have been closed to it for so long. At the same time as feeling like a whole new world had opened up to me, I had also moved back to my high school bedroom and I was so aware of everything that could have been, but also everything that could be at the same time and it was a lot to take in. Sometimes it’s hard not to concentrate on the things that could have been, the opportunities missed and the connections lost along the way and it can be easy to lose yourself in the resentment of that. I’ve spent a lot of time being angry at him, being angry at myself and being angry at the world. I don’t know if placing blame is meant to make you feel better, or if it helps you explain it to yourself, but it never helps for long and eventually, you just become this angry, bitter person. And that is never cute.

So I realised that I could very well spend my life being angry with him for treating me the way he did, I could be angry at myself for letting myself get in to that situation, I could be angry at the people around me for not making me see sense, I could be angry at the world for just generally being shitty, or, I could just be happy. It was a choice between letting the bad things that had happened to me control my life and my future or to use it as a turning point and get the life that I always wanted.

And that’s it. It’s as simple as that. I realised the only thing I could let control my happiness is myself. The only person I need to keep happy is myself. The only person that, at the end of the day, I need to be proud of me, is myself. I’ve kind of found that when you put all the other bullshit aside, and genuinely just focus on what makes you hand-on-your-heart happy, it all gets a lot easier. I’m basically taking the reigns back on my life, for lack of a better analogy.

SO. My point was, that I think this might be a little montage moment of my life. I’m feeling really good about the next few months and what it’s going to bring and I just wanted to share that with you guys cos ya know, spread the positivity and all that jazz.



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